The Day I Killed My Unborn Baby!!!

During a detailed scan in the previous week, one of my twins was found to have excessive fluid in the brain also known as hydrocephalus.

The brain is constantly producing fluid (known as cerebrospinal fluid or CSF) as part of its normal daily routine. Under normal circumstances, this fluid is drained from the brain into the spinal canal and is reabsorbed by the body, keeping the amount in the brain in a constant balance. When normal drainage does not occur, or for some reason the brain is producing too much CSF to be able to drain through normal means, the CSF builds up in the ventricles of the brain and causes pressure. This condition is known as hydrocephalus and, despite the fact that it is one of the single most common birth defects, most people have never heard of it.


Besides this, the baby also detected with SUA. Single umbilical artery (SUA) is the most common malformation of the umbilical cord. On its own, SUA does not necessarily pose a risk to the mother or the child as an umbilical cord with just one artery is sufficient to support a pregnancy to term. However, SUA does increase the child’s risk for certain birth defects.


Normally, when the umbilical cord develops, it forms three vessels: two arteries and one vein. However, in some cases, just one artery develops. Precisely why this occurs is not entirely known. It is suspected, though, that one artery may simply stop growing as it develops or perhaps that the primordial umbilical artery does not divide properly. Additionally, women having a multiple pregnancy are three to four times as likely to develop SUA.


The main problem is hydrocephalus. I had a scan done by NUH antenal diagnostic center as recommended by my gynae. After getting the results, I went for a second opinion with a fetal medicine and high-risk pregnancy specialist at Raffles Hospital and the conclusion is the same.


I was advised to do a selective fetocide which means to terminate the heartbeat for one of the twins. This is because the weaker twin might not survive even if i carry to full term because the brain is not developing. And if anything happen to the weaker twin during the pregnancy, I might have to do preterm delivery which will not be good to the healthy twin as well.


However, the procedure does poses some risks. Selective fetocide can result in spontaneous abortion or severe preterm delivery, which may occur several months after the procedure. Potassium chloride will be injected to the twin's heart and the heart will slowly stopped and the body supposedly be re-absorbed back into the body leaving the bones and others that cannot be re-absorbed in the placenta. This will then be delivered together with my other twin upon my delivery date.


It was really a difficult decision for us and the longer we took to make the decision, the higher the risks. I cried everyday thinking about it and praying for a miracle to happen. The date and time of the procedure was already set and all I had to do was to turn up.

Finally the day arrived, we drove to the hospital and walked solemnly to the center. There was this moment that I really wanted to turn away and leave. After waiting for a while, the doctor came and I was in the room to do some scan and to measure how deep the needle had to be inserted into the fetus's heart. I thought I saw improvement in the fetus and was happy momentarily, however, it was a false alarm. After the scan, the doctor mentioned that the condition of the baby had worsen. There was hardly any brain tissue found. I was so sad...so sad.

We were told to come back in an hour's time as the doctor's assistant for the procedure was called again for an emergency operation. We wandered around the hospital and I was trying to distract myself by browsing through magazines when the phone rang and I was told to go back to the center.

They led me into the room, did some more scan and told hubby to go out as the doctor mentioned it was not going to be pretty sight. As I will be given only local anaethesia, the doctor advised me to keep my eyes closed. My abdomen was sterilised and iodine was applied. I can feel the pain when the LA was applied and I closed my eyes.

The procedure took longer than I expected and I could hear them talking...stuff such as add some more....it's being hidden...can i put in now etc...I tried to block all these and just wished everything was over in the soonest possible time. Then I heard the doctor talking to me...I opened my eyes and I saw it. The baby had stopped moving, I could see the doctor trying to shake the baby and the lifeless baby just reacting to it. I fought back my tears as the doctor told me he would be giving me anti-biotics to prevent any infection and some medicine to relax my uterus.

My husband was called in and the doctor showed us the other healthy baby and the heartbeat. I was told to have bedrest, not to do any housework, carry anything heavy etc and to come back the following week for another check. After that I was brought to the recuperating room to take a rest.

I started tearing when I was in the recuperating room. She's gone....I have lost my unborn baby girl. I was looking forward to see the progress of the other baby but at the same time, I was so scared that something bad might happen to her as well. I prayed that God will bless this little baby girl and prayed that she will be borned a healthy baby girl.