It's been 3 weeks since the fateful day. I won't deny the pain I am still feeling. Everything reminds me of my baby...pregnant ladies, ladies who had just given birth, the baby stuff I had at home, books etc.
I complied my baby scans photos into a folder...I don't know what I am looking for.
Am I hoping for some closure into this? Sometimes I find myself asking what I could have done to prevent any of this from happening....my gynae, hubby and friends assured me that it's not my fault and I should not blame myself.
Now, I don't even feel like going back to my usual hairdresser or facial or anywhere else for that matters where I had been to when I was pregnant. People will ask....I will have to reply.....again and again....over and over again.
Sometimes I find myself stroking my tummy as if the baby is still there and sometimes I can even feel her kicking....
I know it's not going to be easy and I know all my friends are there to support and comfort me when I need but I guess this is something I had to overcome myself.
I had to go through this grieving process.....a painful process....
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Doctor's Review
Had a review with the doctor on Friday. Gynae told me that the baby weighed 560grams. I kept telling myself not to cry but I still did. Tears just flowed out of my eyes when he started mentioning about what happened that day. Mine was classified as a mid-trimester miscarriage.
The gynae told me that with the infection, the baby couldn't have survived instead he said because of the premature delivery, I was in a way saved. If the dead fetus had turned into pus, I would be in danger and it would have caused my life.
Did my baby girl actually saved my life? Did she sacrified herself to save mummy? I was overwhelmed. I did not know what to think.
I am still thinking of my little girl every single day.
I can't bear the thought of celebrating mother's day or father's day....we are supposed to be mother and father -to-be....
I really don't know.....
The gynae told me that with the infection, the baby couldn't have survived instead he said because of the premature delivery, I was in a way saved. If the dead fetus had turned into pus, I would be in danger and it would have caused my life.
Did my baby girl actually saved my life? Did she sacrified herself to save mummy? I was overwhelmed. I did not know what to think.
I am still thinking of my little girl every single day.
I can't bear the thought of celebrating mother's day or father's day....we are supposed to be mother and father -to-be....
I really don't know.....
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
It's been over a week...
It’s been slightly over a week since it happened but the events are so deeply etched in my mind that I know I will never ever forget what happened. I have cried countless times and spent dozen of hours just staring blankly and even counting down every single day to the day when she should have been borned.
Healing has been a painful process and I prayed everyday that the pain will be lesser each passing day. I am grateful and truly blessed with an understanding and loving husband. I know he is upset as well when I saw tears welling up in his eyes on that fateful day when the baby came out.
He shared with me the story of Job from the Bible when the God allowed the devil to take away everything Job had including his family and riches. But Job did not renounce his faith in God and was blessed with twice as much later on.
I surprised myself because I have never questioned God why does this happen to me? I believe there is a reason for everything that happened and I am glad that this happened to me instead of any of my friends.
My boss has been supportive of me as well…asking me to take as long as I needed to recuperate.
Healing has been a painful process and I prayed everyday that the pain will be lesser each passing day. I am grateful and truly blessed with an understanding and loving husband. I know he is upset as well when I saw tears welling up in his eyes on that fateful day when the baby came out.
He shared with me the story of Job from the Bible when the God allowed the devil to take away everything Job had including his family and riches. But Job did not renounce his faith in God and was blessed with twice as much later on.
I surprised myself because I have never questioned God why does this happen to me? I believe there is a reason for everything that happened and I am glad that this happened to me instead of any of my friends.
My boss has been supportive of me as well…asking me to take as long as I needed to recuperate.
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
I lost my baby.....
25th March - At around 5.15pm, I felt this pain in my lower abdomen that felt like menstrual cramp. I ignored it but it came back again around 5.30pm. I called my gynae and he asked me to check into the hospital immediately. I sent a sms to hubby as I knew he was having a meeting but no reply. I called my sister and asked her to meet me at the hospital. I reached the hospital around 6pm, went up to the labor ward. I told the nurse that I am experiencing some menstrual pain and they asked me to get changed and laid me down on the bed. My sister was asked to do the admission for me. Frankly, I still do not feel any bit worried at that moment.
The nurse strapped on this machine which helps to measure my contraction and said, I was having some very mild contractions. They called my doctor and I was put on a drip called ventolin which is supposed to help relax my uterus but it will increase my pulse. I managed to get hubby (apparently he didn’t get my sms) and he came down around 8pm. The contractions tapered off but I was still put on the drip throughout the whole night and my gynae came around 9+pm to take a look at me.
26th March – I was still on the drip and it was making the slightest movement very inconvenient. I can't go to the washroom on my own and I had to press the bell for the nurse whenever I needed to do it (which happened very frequently). I can't sleep at all the previous night with all those machines strapped on to me and also because my pulse was reaching 129 and the palpitations were making it almost impossible for me to sleep. The gynae came around 9am in the morning and saw that the contractions were under control but still had me on the drip for further monitoring. I was also given injection to mature the lungs of the baby, injection to stabilize the pregnancy and hormone patches as well. Those injections were oil-based and very painful. So I had to spend another night at the labor ward.
Throughout the 2 days at the labor ward, I could hear mothers-to-be coming in for delivery and all the screaming and yelling do sound terrible. Inside of me, I wanted myself to experience that but I kept telling the baby to hold it in and that I was not ready to deliver her as yet.
27th March – The gynae told me that I can be transferred to a normal ward since my condition had stabilized and I can be off the drip but there wasn’t any room available so I had to wait further in the labor ward. I was finally transferred to the normal ward with a more comfortable bed and TV.
I guess you could say I was in a lighter mood then although there was this tinge of worry still lingering. I can actually catch some sleep on this day.
28th March – The gynae gave me the clearance to discharge today but I had to go for the painful injections and apply hormone patches on my own. I was happy to be able to go home and was given hospitalization leave to rest at home. Went home, got a shower and headed straight to bed to rest. I was feeling pretty relieved that I did not experience any spotting or other symptoms.
29th March – Around 6.30am, I felt dampness in my underpants. I went to the toilet and saw that my underpants’ was pretty wet but didn’t really think of it much and changed to another pair. Around 6.45am, I felt dampness again and went to check it out. I saw blood and immediately burst out crying and screamed for my hubby. My hubby asked me to call the gynae and quickly packed stuff to bring to the hospital. The gynae asked me to go to hospital immediately. Again, I was back in the hospital less than 24 hours after I checked out. The bleeding and water didn’t stop and I was strapped on and put on the drip again. The gynae came and checked if my cervix is dilated and confirmed it wasn’t. Next my blood was drawn for investigation and vaginal swaps were done.
My contractions went off in the late afternoon with slightly lesser bleeding; I was allowed to go back into the normal ward.
30th March – Around 12+am, I started to feel some tightness in my tummy. I disregarded it and tried to get some sleep. Around 1+ am, the tightness developed into very mild pain and an hour later, I started to feel real pain. I called for the nurse and they wheeled me back to the labor ward.
My contractions started coming on every 5 – 6 mins but it was still bearable. Around 7am, the gynae came and told me that my white blood count was high indicating that an infection exist and suspected it came from the other fetus.
I was given IV antibiotics while they tried to measure my contractions, they never really succeed, as the graph didn’t show any but I was visibly in pain. My ventolin drip was increased to a very high level that my pulse was over 130 which might potentially lead to heart failure so they quickly inject me with something to stop my heart from beating too fast.
The pain became unbearable and timing between each contraction became pretty close around 9+am. At around 10am, I was wheeled into the delivery suite as I was experiencing constant pain. And the nurses were still trying to take my contractions and asked me where the pain was, I was really in a mind to ask them to f*** off, can’t they see I’m in real pain? I was screaming and yelling for the doc while I think the nurses were preparing for delivery.
The nurse told my hubby that the test results also showed that my protein level is high which means my body is actually trying to fight off the infection. The gynae came running in shouting – I’m here…I’m here and check for my dilation. I was 9 cm dilated and he quickly went on to prepare for delivery.
Then suddenly I felt water flowing out from underneath and I told hubby – I’m leaking and the next thing I knew, an explosion seemed to happen as my water bag burst and the liquid was flung across the room. The nurse was stunned as they didn’t expect it to happen so quickly and the gynae shouted – water bag burst and ran to my side. The next thing I knew, the baby was out, I can still remembered seeing the baby curled up on the metal table and the gynae quickly took a piece of cloth and covered her up. At that moment, I felt no pain at all. He then proceeded to try to get my placenta out and kept pulling at it but it didn’t seem to get anywhere and he said I might need to go under the knife to get it out.
Next thing I knew, the pain came again when they wanted to inject some sedative on me, the moment they did the injection, I felt another wave of pain and I pushed again and out came the placenta together with the other fetus.
I heard the gynae mentioned that it was a confirmed infection from the other fetus. By that time, I was almost sedated. As everything came too suddenly, the gynae noticed a small tear in my vagina and told my hubby that it will healed by itself and needed no stitches. They cleaned me up and pushed me back to the ward. I heard the gynae said the effect of the sedative will take around 4 hours to wear off. After being wheeled back to the ward, surprisingly, I woke up and sat up. But I still had to be injected with antibodies for the infection.
And reality sets in, I lost my baby girl. The pain was too much to handle. I don’t know what to think, what to say and what to do.
The nurse strapped on this machine which helps to measure my contraction and said, I was having some very mild contractions. They called my doctor and I was put on a drip called ventolin which is supposed to help relax my uterus but it will increase my pulse. I managed to get hubby (apparently he didn’t get my sms) and he came down around 8pm. The contractions tapered off but I was still put on the drip throughout the whole night and my gynae came around 9+pm to take a look at me.
26th March – I was still on the drip and it was making the slightest movement very inconvenient. I can't go to the washroom on my own and I had to press the bell for the nurse whenever I needed to do it (which happened very frequently). I can't sleep at all the previous night with all those machines strapped on to me and also because my pulse was reaching 129 and the palpitations were making it almost impossible for me to sleep. The gynae came around 9am in the morning and saw that the contractions were under control but still had me on the drip for further monitoring. I was also given injection to mature the lungs of the baby, injection to stabilize the pregnancy and hormone patches as well. Those injections were oil-based and very painful. So I had to spend another night at the labor ward.
Throughout the 2 days at the labor ward, I could hear mothers-to-be coming in for delivery and all the screaming and yelling do sound terrible. Inside of me, I wanted myself to experience that but I kept telling the baby to hold it in and that I was not ready to deliver her as yet.
27th March – The gynae told me that I can be transferred to a normal ward since my condition had stabilized and I can be off the drip but there wasn’t any room available so I had to wait further in the labor ward. I was finally transferred to the normal ward with a more comfortable bed and TV.
I guess you could say I was in a lighter mood then although there was this tinge of worry still lingering. I can actually catch some sleep on this day.
28th March – The gynae gave me the clearance to discharge today but I had to go for the painful injections and apply hormone patches on my own. I was happy to be able to go home and was given hospitalization leave to rest at home. Went home, got a shower and headed straight to bed to rest. I was feeling pretty relieved that I did not experience any spotting or other symptoms.
29th March – Around 6.30am, I felt dampness in my underpants. I went to the toilet and saw that my underpants’ was pretty wet but didn’t really think of it much and changed to another pair. Around 6.45am, I felt dampness again and went to check it out. I saw blood and immediately burst out crying and screamed for my hubby. My hubby asked me to call the gynae and quickly packed stuff to bring to the hospital. The gynae asked me to go to hospital immediately. Again, I was back in the hospital less than 24 hours after I checked out. The bleeding and water didn’t stop and I was strapped on and put on the drip again. The gynae came and checked if my cervix is dilated and confirmed it wasn’t. Next my blood was drawn for investigation and vaginal swaps were done.
My contractions went off in the late afternoon with slightly lesser bleeding; I was allowed to go back into the normal ward.
30th March – Around 12+am, I started to feel some tightness in my tummy. I disregarded it and tried to get some sleep. Around 1+ am, the tightness developed into very mild pain and an hour later, I started to feel real pain. I called for the nurse and they wheeled me back to the labor ward.
My contractions started coming on every 5 – 6 mins but it was still bearable. Around 7am, the gynae came and told me that my white blood count was high indicating that an infection exist and suspected it came from the other fetus.
I was given IV antibiotics while they tried to measure my contractions, they never really succeed, as the graph didn’t show any but I was visibly in pain. My ventolin drip was increased to a very high level that my pulse was over 130 which might potentially lead to heart failure so they quickly inject me with something to stop my heart from beating too fast.
The pain became unbearable and timing between each contraction became pretty close around 9+am. At around 10am, I was wheeled into the delivery suite as I was experiencing constant pain. And the nurses were still trying to take my contractions and asked me where the pain was, I was really in a mind to ask them to f*** off, can’t they see I’m in real pain? I was screaming and yelling for the doc while I think the nurses were preparing for delivery.
The nurse told my hubby that the test results also showed that my protein level is high which means my body is actually trying to fight off the infection. The gynae came running in shouting – I’m here…I’m here and check for my dilation. I was 9 cm dilated and he quickly went on to prepare for delivery.
Then suddenly I felt water flowing out from underneath and I told hubby – I’m leaking and the next thing I knew, an explosion seemed to happen as my water bag burst and the liquid was flung across the room. The nurse was stunned as they didn’t expect it to happen so quickly and the gynae shouted – water bag burst and ran to my side. The next thing I knew, the baby was out, I can still remembered seeing the baby curled up on the metal table and the gynae quickly took a piece of cloth and covered her up. At that moment, I felt no pain at all. He then proceeded to try to get my placenta out and kept pulling at it but it didn’t seem to get anywhere and he said I might need to go under the knife to get it out.
Next thing I knew, the pain came again when they wanted to inject some sedative on me, the moment they did the injection, I felt another wave of pain and I pushed again and out came the placenta together with the other fetus.
I heard the gynae mentioned that it was a confirmed infection from the other fetus. By that time, I was almost sedated. As everything came too suddenly, the gynae noticed a small tear in my vagina and told my hubby that it will healed by itself and needed no stitches. They cleaned me up and pushed me back to the ward. I heard the gynae said the effect of the sedative will take around 4 hours to wear off. After being wheeled back to the ward, surprisingly, I woke up and sat up. But I still had to be injected with antibodies for the infection.
And reality sets in, I lost my baby girl. The pain was too much to handle. I don’t know what to think, what to say and what to do.
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